Some of you might be able to understand the way that I feel. And just maybe some of you have been there before.
I used to long for a squad, meaning a crew to hang with. Best friends to hang with non-stop and endless, satisfying and silly conversations. But that’s just it, I used to feel like that. But not anymore. I don’t want to be close to people anymore. I don’t have the energy or the strength to have relationships anymore. Friendship or romantic. I know that sounds horrible. Especially since intimacy with God is of top importance…..but unfortunately, I’m not doing so good. I can worship, I can praise, I can speak in my heavenly language and pray. I’m not afraid to get down on my knees in reverence. But I don’t run to God and I don’t talk to God like he’s my closest friend. I’m scared to get close to him. And I’m scared to get close to anyone.
I’m terrified. I’m so terrified. And I know that I shouldn’t be. I know that in order to move forward in life, relationships are ideal. If it’s concerning my career, than its easy to do and to connect. I can put aside my personal issues. But when it comes to making friends, I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t take any more hurt or pain.